Overwhelment is about you not being up to speed with what you told the Universe that you want. The Universe is yielding to you. You’re just not ready to receive it right now.
— Abraham-Hicks
Put me in a padded room, lock the door and leave me alone for a few days. I am feeling very overwhelmed and I honestly think everything is finally catching up with me. I need to have a really big cry and get out lots of shit, plain and simple, but lately something has been stopping me. I do not want to share this emotion with anyone and I do not want to cry. I had a little cry yesterday, made me feel shitty. I just want life to be smooth... Maybe I need to go for a run.
I cannot pinpoint any one thing but things are changing for me yet again and I am freaking out. Things at work are kinda crazy, I am in a new relationship for the first time in more than a decade and it is scaring the hell out of me. I have so much to do at home and school is starting. I just want to lock myself in a room and bury my head in my pillow and cry but in my frame of mind, that would make me weak.
I am worried about my second boy and all that a new school year brings for him. He is so excited to start school and I love to see that. I am gathering all the reports compiled in last few months written by occupational therapists, psychologists and physiotherapists. These reports are less than positive, painting a bleak picture of a little boy who is described in all of them as bright, happy and so very persistent, a little boy who never gives up. Things are going to be difficult, the school is going to have to work hard and I know I am going to have to be right there, making sure everything possible is done to encourage a positive learning experience for a little boy who is so very kind and gentle and does not deserve the uphill battle he faces. He will meet his teacher tomorrow and I hope she falls in love. In all honesty, I am petrified. I want for him to be happy and feel successful, I want things to be okay and I know that there is only so much I can do.
I am building walls and at the same time working incredibly hard to tear them down. I am confused and scared and trying to protect my fragile heart which is still not healed. I create unachievable expectations because I think that will keep me protected and it will give me the opportunity to run if I can create a reason in my head to do so. I am struggling to figure out what is real, what is manifested in this head of mine and what is the residual effects of a broken heart. I want to let go of this miserable baggage and be free to enjoy life as it comes. I have been doing quite well at that but when it comes to certain things, I am afraid. I am trying my hardest not to care and that is creating more hurt.
I know I need to lose it, I need to cry, stomp my feet, have a full out pity party and then regroup and start again but for some reason I can't do it. I am so overwhelmed and so protected that I have created walls that are even impenetrable by me. I got a flat tire today, a nail causing a very quick leak and I just barely made it to the tire shop. The kind, kind man there squished me in because I was in a panic and I think he could tell I was ready to lose it. I had to miss a home visit for work, I am not sure when I can rebook and I had no idea how I was going to get home. In the end it turned out okay but I was shaking and almost hyperventilating. Typically I would have been sobbing but no tears today although I was on the verge.
I am holding onto a bunch of angst that I have to let go of. I know what I have to do and I can't and I feel myself sliding deeper into this place of wanting to scream. I feel like I am treading water and I need to swim, I need to go forward. Tomorrow I will get a sitter for an hour and I will go for a run. That time helps me think and then I will come home and shower and maybe have a good cry so I can be refreshed for the long weekend, a weekend that starts with what would have been my 11th anniversary. Can I just go to bed for the entire weekend? I need to go to the ocean.
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