When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown
No matter how hard two people try to divorce amicably, there will be a certain amount of fighting. Dashed dreams and hopes, fears, anxiety, anger and hurt are at work while 2 people try to play nice. Emotions are strong and are hard to control for everyone involved!
My ex spent today at my house with the kids. We had a pleasant exchange this morning and all was good... until I realized he blocked me on Facebook and deleted all of the people that have stood by him over the last 12+ years. Facebook is not a big deal as he was never on there anyway but I knew it was because he wanted to put distance between his new life and anyone that supported him in his old life. I get that, I don't want him in my business anymore than he wants me in his, but for someone who says he wants to be friends, I found this pretty unfriendly and very insulting.
I came in when I dropped off my oldest son after school and asked him why. We began hitting below the belt, which is excellent confirmation that we are much better apart! He started yelling at me and we went nose to nose when I told him he was not going to talk to me like that, like he has for the last 12.5 years, ever again. He in turn told me that I was a bitch for 12.5 years. That wasn't meant to be a compliment but you know, how can I argue. He fell in love with me because of my strong personality, my ability to speak out, and not being a pushover. I am who I am and I I kinda like it!
Once we were able to start talking civilly and stop taking shots at each other, I began to cry... dammit!! When I said that I was almost at the point of saying thank you for being gone, because I am so much happier now, he said, "Yeah, sure looks like it".
I need to cry, I don't do it often, and I pointed out that people with feelings and emotions tend to cry - I am not made of stone, I have a heart and it was broken. I am proud to be a strong woman who is able to show my emotions! I have actually cried less in the last few weeks than I have in the last few months.... I am growing stronger day by day.
The point of this blog is not to rant about our fight; it is about a regret I have about the fight and the very important lesson I have learned. We fought in front of our children and it was probably one of the most volatile, loud yelling fights we've ever had in front of our boys.... I know and he knows how stupid that was, but emotion sometimes prevents people from thinking that through. The boys were upset. What an eye opener and what a lesson to be learned. My head and heart are very angry with me. I vowed to protect my boys and today I took part in an altercation that scared them. I will do everything to help them through this obstacle in their lives. I will try my hardest, despite my deepest emotion to never, ever let them see something like that again and I hope my ex will show some discretion as well.
Other than the way it happened and our stupid choice to let it play out in front of our boys, I think the fight was a great release. We have gone 1.5 months trying to play nice and it was about time tempers flared. Who knew it would be over Facebook? I said a few things I needed to say, maybe he did too and now we can move forward. I am damn determined to make this relationship functional because that is what our children need.
Today I learned the greatest lesson of all, that our boys have to come before our expression of negative emotions. No matter how mad, sad, frustrated, disgusted or hurt I am, all that belongs on the back burner until the boys are no longer near us. I also learned that despite all our trying to play nice, tempers are going to flare and it is actually going to be kinda therapeutic. Another day, another lesson learned, another step forward!!!
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