Thank You, But Not Quite Yet – 22/8/11

A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties.  ~Harry Truman

I have been thinking that it is almost time to say thank you to my ex. Thank you for destroying our family and what we created together and, for making me spread my wings and fly because I had no other option. Soon I will say thank you for setting me free. 

I have been told that I will know when I am ready to say thank you and while I am getting close, I am not quite there yet. I still have moments where the comfort of what I knew flashes, I yearn for it and my heart hurts. I don't miss or want him, but I miss the comfort and security of what was familiar compared to the unknown. The dreams, hopes and wishes that were shared are no longer feasible. I have let go of him completely but the memories - they are forever. My memories are not all bad, most certainly not all good, but they have made me who I am and I cherish many of them. I have a hard time putting them away sometimes without remembering the hopes and dreams that went along with them. 

My ex and I are in a good place. We are friendly, the tension is beginning to recede and we are doing what we need to do in order to make the best possible lives for our boys.  I have mixed emotions relating to him. I loath him in moments such as when I have to say goodnight to my boys over the phone. I am indifferent most of the time when the boys are with me because my ex is the furthest thing from my mind. My life is full and he is no longer a part of it. However, I am sometimes sad when we get along because that is when the memories of good times surface. I know we were good together when things were going okay; however those times had become less and less in the months leading to the affairs. I have learned that in those moments of reminiscing, I do not immediately remember  the really awful times and I know that there were many years of bad memories that I can never ever forget. I am happier now than I have been in years and I am now learning what it is like to be treated the way I have always wanted to be treated. I also know now that the ex and I are far more functional apart than we ever were together. 

I will not give him an ounce of credit for the strength, determination and pure happiness I have in my life. I know saying thank you may be construed as this since I would be saying thank you for doing what you did because it made me who I am today. That isn't what I mean. Every change, every success, every failure, every fall and every opportunity to get back up are all choices I consciously made when other choices would have been easier. Everything since I threw him out has been a conscious decision on my part to revamp who I am and how I live my life. I chose happiness. He merely gave me the opportunity to step into the unknown and no longer be treated like I was worth nothing. He forced me to do the one thing that would set me free and for that, I am thankful. 

I am not ready to look at him and say thank you yet. I still have a lot of growing to do; I will never stop growing.  I have moments of wanting to look him in the eye and say thanks, things are okay now. I know I will get there. I still need to work on the emotion attached to those memories. I need to learn how to cherish the memories but not let them affect my emotions.

I am slowly making new memories with my boys, my family and my friends. These memories make me smile, make me feel full and happy and they are moving memories of my time with my ex deeper into my heart where they will be buried but not lost. My new memories already give me strength. There is always room for new memories, good memories to replace the bad. It is my choice to create these new memories and I am having a blast!