Over the last few months I have learned much about insecurities and how they drive what we do, how we think. Don't get me wrong, I have had many insecurities before these last few months, however, things have been a little more prominent recently. Insecurities live in your head, they are born from vulnerability, failure, the childhood bully and sometimes from actions or words of the ones we love. These insecurities give birth to that mean little voice in your head, the one that ridicules, questions and hates, the one that says things that you would never say to anyone else, but yet feel it is okay to say to yourself. Things can make this voice more pronounced like a certain situation, clothes that do not fit right, the image of a person... anything that can reproduce a negative memory. These memories evoke emotions in us but for the majority, instead of coping with that feeling we begin to blame, self doubt and criticize. All of us have that little voice, some of us cope better than others, some of us pay no attention.... I want to be one of those people.
This rant comes from a place of darkness for me. An image has conjured up a slew of angry thoughts. Instead on acknowledging these feelings and dismissing them because they are really irrelevant at the moment, that little voice in my head has ruined what was otherwise a pretty good day. My Superhero is at work, the kids are in bed and my thoughts are my company. At the moment, I am not enjoying their company, it is rather lousy. In a matter of minutes that little voice has told me: I am not happy enough, pretty enough and certainly not thin enough. That voice has told me that I am not deserving of being loved. Dammit, that little voice has even made me question my instincts and nothing has ever made me question those. Instead of holding my head high and defending myself, which I would do if anyone ever told me these things to my face, I am succumbing to them. I am a fighter, would never back down... yet I am my biggest bully and I am afraid to stand up and stop these negative thoughts. This I do not understand. This is one bully I am damn determined to squash!
Downstairs I have some lovely hot pink boxing gloves and a heavy bag. I am not going to let these thoughts get me tonight, anymore than they already have. I am going to beat the hell out of my heavy bag while listening to some very angry music and picturing the above mentioned image as my target. I am going to do this in order to avoid eating the very tasty chocolate mint ice cream in my freezer.....
I have just come back from beating up my heavy bag, my arms are heavy, I am all sweaty and gross. I have not touched the ice cream, do not intend to. I was reduced to a blubbering mess as I yelled and punched and punched and yelled. I am sure I would have looked spectacular on video. Those little voices are still there but I have come away with a will and determination to not let them get the better of me. Little by little, I will silence them.
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