Forgiveness – 10/4/11

"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future." -Paul Boese

I have been thinking lots the last few weeks about how my future is going to look, with or without my ex. One of the keys to either one of those possibilities lies in my ability to forgive and possibly, trust again.

Forgiveness is something that will set me free, something that will allow me to build the best possible friendship with my ex for the kids. Forgiveness will allow me to lift the pain off of my shoulders and harness the future without the baggage of my past. Forgiveness is something I want to embrace. I do not want to be bitter, angry and unhappy. I want to be free but I am not sure how to get there.

I told my ex, after the first affair that I could truly forgive him when he fully understood what he had done. I think this always bothered him because he thought he did truly understand. He said he had regret. I know he did not fully understand the impact of his actions by the simple fact that he did it again. I think he has hatred toward himself and was self sabotaging before I hurt him. I would never have hurt him, I loved him... I am psychoanalyzing but know that this is much deeper than a simple affair. It is not black and white.

I will forgive him when I see him trying to right his wrongs, when I see him fixing the damage he has caused. This does not mean that we will be fixing our relationship.  What it means is that I will see him looking in the mirror, asking the hard questions and fighting to regain control of his integrity. It would be nice to see him repair and rebuild his relationship with our boys.  I would be honoured as a friend to stand beside him if he found the courage to do this. 

I am not sure if this will ever happen and if it does not, I will have to find a way to be pleasant and non-emotional for the sake of our children. We want to be friends one day, but I do not want it to be forced. I want it to be genuine. I am going to look deep and try to find forgiveness so I can let it go and be free of the chains of hurt and anger that I have to carry.

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and realize that prisoner was you." -Lewis B. Smedes