Not Ready To Say Never – 30/3/11

I have so much support and I am thankful to every single family member and friend who has supported me and told me that leaving my ex was the best thing.... Everyone tells me not to look back... it is better this way... he is a liar, a cheat, he is no good...... but I have a different story to tell.....

I married a man 10.5 years ago who I knew was my soul mate the day I met him. I told people that I would marry him and grow old with him within 2 days of meeting him... I just knew. My gut instinct helped me find out about the affairs, they also told me that I would love him forever and that he would forever love me. My ex is not all of the things listed above, he is a good, hard working man. He is a man that has the weight of a childhood on his shoulders and does not see the value in himself. He is a man that would move mountains for his family, he is my super hero.... that is not the man that cheated on me. The man that cheated on me is closed up inside, afraid to fight and in a place that worries the hell out of me. I am not sure when the man I fell in love with disappeared, months ago... I missed it then but he changed. However, I still see the tenderness in his eyes, I still see how much he loves me and my family, I see so much hurt...... I promised him I would never turn my back on him.... It pains me physically to do so.... so I am not going to.... He has made his choice, he does not want to be with me... I am coming to terms with that.... I have so much grief and anger to work out, I will have to look deep and with time, will find forgiveness in my heart for a man that is the other half of my soul.  We have been told not to talk, other than for the kids.... I miss him.... so much... How to you let go of something you vowed never to let go of????

My ex answered that question today... you let go of something when you realize that every ounce of passion you have for a person, is not reciprocated but poured into another. Really sucks to watch someone toss you to the curb like you are yesterdays trash....