I have a bucket list, things that I must do before I die. They include things such as seeing a sunset in Hawaii and going to Africa . These things are not at the top of the list in terms of importance, they are topped by things that require me to face life head on and take charge. The things I speak of relate directly back to this battle I have with my weight. I want to run again... not just run, I want to conquer another 1/2 marathon, specifically the one and only I have run before. I want to compete in a triathlon - first I must find the courage to get in a bathing suit and learn to swim. I want to be fit... not just fit but able to compete with confidence in a body building competition! My superhero thinks this is gross, however I am convinced he does not want me to have more muscles than him!! I want to train, more specifically, I want to open my own gym and share my journey with women who have more than 50 pounds to lose and are too afraid to talk to a trainer who has never had more than 5 extra pounds on their teeny tiny frame. I want to inspire, I want to encourage, I want to watch people achieve their dreams..... but first, I must figure out why a slice of cheesecake, a piece of chocolate, a can of pop are so important, that they are of more importance than the dreams I have!
I have always said, the key to weight loss is being accountable for your own actions. You cannot lose weight until you, in all honesty, can look in the mirror and realize your actions or lack of action got you to where you are. I have made excuses... 4 pregnancies back to back within 5.5 years, stress from illness, stress from the anger and hurt.... but really, I chose to put in more calories than I chose to put out. I know this, every last pound, I can tell you exactly how I got here but yet I do not change. I think it may be because I am still rationalizing why... instead of saying I ate the wrong things, I ate too much and I exercised to little, I justify it by saying it was what I needed at the time.... really, it was just dumb choices that have gotten me to where I am now.
Where am I? Lets see.... looking in the mirror is a rare occurrence and if it happens it is met with a look of disgust, a pinch of the extra rolls of fat, often a tear, always anger. Next come those self defeating thoughts that tell me because of this weight, I am not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough... Honestly, I had no idea fat and brains were directly correlated. I can go into a gym and have a trainer tell me that I have more physical ability than the woman she trains who is 60 pounds lighter, but yet I wish I could trade places with the other woman.c Always wishing I was someone else, always wanting the easy way out. Yup, that is where I am... pretty sad and not at all productive.
Now it is time to be accountable... I guess I have not been as accountable as I had thought. Yup, I know how I got here but I need to be accountable for the fact that I am still here and not moving fast to do anything about it. I have set a goal; to start utilizing the knowledge I have regarding healthy lifestyles and exercise. I do not need to learn it, I need to apply it. I have said that Sunday is time to stop wishing and start doing. I am tired of avoiding life because I think I am too fat or because I think others will judge me... We are taking the boys on a vacation this summer and dammit, I am going to go swimming and enjoy it. I am going to stop letting life pass me by while I wish for something... I am going to do it. I am going to run my half marathon next year and I am going to do it well Within the next 5 years, I will be on stage as a serious competitor in a body building competition. Hopefully with more muscles than my superhero :0)! I have the strength and I have the power...
Will I have set backs? You bet!!!! Instead of giving in, I am going to try and move forward.... no, I AM going to move forward. I would never expect a woman I was training to be perfect. I would never condemn her for a set back, a lapse in judgement or for enjoying a piece of cake to celebrate a loved ones birthday. I would encourage her to look ahead, I would tell her that I have faith in her, I would tell her that there was no doubt in my mind that she could do it... I would tell her that she had the power, control, strength and determination to do it and that I was proud of her! I am going to start training myself I
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