Gone..... Have you ever watched something you love more than life disappear? Have you ever had front row seats to someone's deterioration and could not turn away, could not help... you just had to sit there and let your heart break over and over...... I have.... Twice.....
The first time I got to watch my precious second boy be ravaged by seizures. I watched him become non verbal, I watched his little world as we know it crumble bit by bit. I can tell you that a seizure never becomes easy to watch, each and every one rips out a piece of your soul as you are rendered helpless. We have the seizures controlled, for the most part, but I still get an occasional glimpse... and a daily reminder that they are still there. My son had 2 within days of his dad leaving, one actually dropped him to the ground. My heart stopped and yet another piece broke because I knew I could not fix this for him.. yet again... As a mom I should be able to stop all the pain and it is like a runaway train. I see him struggle with everyday activities, I see him now barely talking... I love you's have to be forced... he is shutting down again. I had my best friend beside me through all this, now he is causing it and I do not understand.
The next deterioration I am watching is my ex, from the man I once loved to someone so callous and angry, I do not even know who he is. I vowed I would never turn my back on him and I felt pretty guilty about kicking him out, but I now realize I am not turning my back on him... I am turning my back on who he has become. It is hard for me to watch him on this path. A path that he vowed never to take. I see him doing things and turning his back on things that he never in a million years would have. He no longer seems to care although there are occasional glimpses of him in there. He is detached... I get to watch, I have to turn away, it breaks my heart to see him being eaten alive by this monster.
I know I should be angry, everyone is telling me I am not angry enough.... I dunno, it is hard. I despise him and what he has done and I will not take anymore disrespect. This I am sure of but I still worry and it pains me that I cannot fix him either.... Part of me holds out hope that he will beat the monster and live a happy life... another part of me knows that the monster has already won.
So 2 of my men have disappeared, 1 to a beast, 1 to a monster. 1 came back and he is brilliant and I would not trade in the new version of him any day. The other continues to disappear and I am losing hope each day that he will be able to defeat his demons.... I guess it is time to shut my eyes and stop watching.
"A man is not old until regrets take the place of his dreams." -Proverb
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