Weight Loss – 31/3/11

Weight Loss – 31/3/11

Anyone who reads my blog knows that losing weight is very important to me! I am very excited to announce that today, when I realized that I am a strong woman and I will make it out of this a better person, I let go of my ex to the best of my ability at this time and I LOST 200  pounds off of my shoulders! Yup, I could actually take a deep breath and feel okay! I am still shaky, I will have lots of downs but I will pick myself up each and every time and learn from it! I deserve to be loved truly and completely. It is going to take some time to convince myself 100% of that but I will tell myself that each day and I will believe it. The more I believe it, the more I will let go of him and that feels great. I will still never say never, people change and I have no idea what the future brings but at this moment, it is not so scary because deep down, I know I can do it alone... (and yes, I know I am not alone, I have the support of so many amazing friends and family, THANK YOU!!)

Stages of Grief – 31/3/11

The stages of grief are:

1: Shock and denial

2:Pain and guilt

3:Anger and bargaining

4:Depression, reflection, loneliness

5: The upward turn

6: Reconstruction and working through

7: Acceptance and hope

I have been bouncing between a few of them as I grieve the loss of my marriage, best friend and life as it once was. I spent only a small time in stage 1 this time as I think I went through this with the first affair. It was not terribly shocking that it happened again. I have lots of pain, not near as much as with the first affair and I no longer feel guilt, although I did waiver a bit when I threw him out.  I am pretty sure I am sitting in stage 3. I have lots of anger - mostly brought on by my ex asking a ridiculous favor of me and asking me to do the right thing, but it feels kinda good to be mad instead of crying all the time! I am bargaining, I think in hopes that he will see the light... I have learned that he will one day, but I cannot help him... okay back to anger.... I fear stage 4 and I think I dance with it a little bit. As mad as I feel,  as much pain as I have already worked through, I am sad and so, so lonely. Not lonely for him but lonely for the life I once knew. So many things are unknown and I hate being vulnerable.... I will not linger here for long however... for 1, I like anger better and 2, my boys need a happy healthy mom.  I have not gotten to stage's 5 or 6 yet but I am looking so forward to them and then moving onto 7.

As scary as it is, I am ready to find out who I am. I have been only a mom and cops wife for so long that I have lost who I am. I am excited to rediscover all that I want to be and I am excited to find the strength to do it. I am so proud that I can look in the mirror and be okay with the choices I have made, it would suck to have to turn away from the mirror because you are living a lie. I am here, I am upright and currently I am crying but dammit, I am doing great and it is going to be amazing! I will continue to stand up every time I fall and each time I go down, I will pick something up so there is always a lesson learned. Mark this date in your calendar folks, a year from now there will be a vibrant, happy, hopeful single mom writing to you! I am now off to my very first spin class.... wish me luck!