I Am Lucky – 9/4/11

"You change for two reasons: Either you learn enough that you want to, or you've been hurt enough that you have to." -Unknown

I have been having a hard time accepting what is going in my life. I am all over the map in terms of what I want, what I need, if I am happy, sad, angry, humiliated... Nothing seems constant... until I look a little bit deeper....

I have 4 amazing boys who I love and cherish, who love and cherish me. That makes  me more blessed and lucky than I could ever express. It is easy to lose sight of the greatness happening all around, when there is so much emotion. I am going to be able to watch them grow and revel in all that that they are. I get to take care of and treasure them and have the opportunity to mould them as they grow. I will get to play tooth fairy and Easter Bunny, I will get to kiss owee's to make them better. To them I am everything, to me they are everything.... together we have everything we need.

I am also blessed to have an incredible family. I have parents who love and treasure me and my boys. Who are hurting as much as I am but are helping out to help make sure the boys have some stability in their lives. They have always been a source of support but now even more, when I need them the most. I am not sure I would still be upright if it was not for the love and support of my parents. I lose sight that they have pain, they feel as though they have lost a son. My ex was a very treasured part of their lives. The hurt extends far beyond my boys and me. I also have the support of my siblings,nieces and cousin.... Always getting that extra pat on the back, or words of encouragement to help me back up... I am blessed.

I have a handful of amazing friends that check in almost daily, reaffirm my strength and do not fault me for hoping my ex may see the light. They encourage me to get mad but understand why I hold onto hope. They are helping me move forward, albeit slowly... but forward. They are not afraid to knock some sense into me when I lose my footing but are gentle when I am feeling broken.

Even though my heart yearns to be whole again, it is filled with love and respect for all these amazing people. I thank each and every one of them for understanding and caring and not turning away when I need them the most.