Picking Up The Pieces – 6/4/11

As much as sometimes we wish things would stand still, life keeps going. As a 32 year old woman, I cannot figure things out... How at the ages of 7, 5, 3 and 1 do you make sense out of your dad leaving and not coming back? How do I make sure they are okay?

My beautiful boys are suffering the most from the recent events of my life. They are innocent bystanders in this whole grotesque turn of events. They fight constantly, unsure of what their day brings. My oldest is angry, lashing out when he can. Always needing reassurance but trying to take care of me. My second just kinda goes with the flow but is weepy and unsure. He is so exhausted, does not say much. He told me the other day that he would never leave me.  My 3rd is clingy, always confirming that I am going to come home. He is unsure about who will walk out the door next. When I told him his dad loved him he asked me "why did he go then?" How do I answer that? My baby is just a tiger and thrives on the energy, even if it is negative.

 They all want to know where dad is and when he is coming. I look at them and I wonder how I am going to pick up the pieces. I reassure them that their dad loves them, I reassure them I love them. I give lots of cuddles. I mark on the calendar the days dad visits. I answer questions in a way that I hope will not effect them.... My 3rd told me that his misses his friend, the child of the neighbor. I have to pick up the pieces and reassure because of the choices of 2 grown adults who thought of nobody but themselves. 

For how long are my boys going to struggle, for how long will they ask questions that I cannot answer in honesty because their little ears do not need to know the details... details even I cannot bear some days. I am overwhelmed, I do not want to ever jeopardize their security again. What if I meet someone? What if my ex ends up with the neighbor? That will lead to more questions, more insecurity in a place they should feel most secure. 

All I know is that I will always hold them close, reassure them that both their parents love them. They will grow and as they mature, will figure things out and form their own views, opinions and morals. I want them to break this vicious cycle, something their father vowed to do but failed. How do I now teach them that walking away from something you love is not an option???