“You cannot make yourself feel something you do not feel, but you can make yourself do right in spite of your feelings.” ~Pearl S. Buck
I am on an emotional roller coaster... I am learning that fantasy makes reality hurt even more. I spend a lot of time escaping from my life by dreaming up wonderful possibilities, then I am hit in the head with whatever has been thrown at me and I remember that this is not a dream... it is a nightmare.
My fantasy is that my ex would have an “ah-ha” moment and realize he is madly in love with me. Reality, which stings, is he could not care less about me and is happy screwing the neighbor. Fantasy: that my ex will look in the mirror and fight tooth and nail to fix himself and repair what he has broken. That he will fight for me..... Reality: to him, I am not worth the work or the fight, the family is not worth the fight. If he ever realizes this, it will most likely be too late. Fantasy: that I can blink my eyes and everything will be back to normal... reality: nothing will ever be normal again... Fantasy: that I will be happy again... Reality: I will be happy again!!
I know the fantasies will not happen, that hurts because I know the reality and it really sucks that the man I have loved for 12.5 years thinks that I am disposable. I hate myself for wanting to see the best in him. I am angry that I have reality shoved in my face 24 hours a day while he can live in a fantasy... How many people get to walk out their door and have a daily reminder of the worst pain ever, right next door? That is just the cherry on top of this fantastic cake. I am furious at myself for not being stronger, meaner, more angry. I hate that I cry.
My lows are low but my highs are higher. There may not be a ton of them, but the reality is that I am happier, I am focusing on improving myself, I am spending more quality time with my boys and I am learning and growing. I will be happy one day and that is something to really look forward to!
My reality right now is that I am sad, I miss my life, I miss my confidante, my best friend. I am lonely. The reality is, that does not matter. The reality is I am slowly putting the pieces back together. The reality is I am moving forward but standing still at the same time.
"Stay away from what might have been and look at what will be." -Marsha Petrie Sue
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