Where is my spark?

"I'll ride the wave where it takes me"

~Pearl Jam, Release~

If you want to change then change – that is the advice that so many give yet so many are unable to follow. I need a catalyst, something to spark me, a moment, a goal, an event. I haven't found that spark in quite some time. It decided to go on vacation this past summer when my whole life and every waking thought was devoted to staying upright during a truly devastating time.

Here I am, 6 months later, and my spark has not come home. I believe my spark will be found by the ocean and that is why I am headed there soon. I am also hoping that along with my spark, I may also find myself. It is such an intense feeling, actually realizing that you have completely disappeared. Your value, happiness, energy, your life - have all managed to creep out in the night and not return. It takes months to realize that you are merely a shell, following the motions, dancing the dance. I am no longer leading the dance and each day I feel like I am losing more and more of the woman I fought so hard to become. I am back to the woman that hides in hoodies, never smiles and just survives. I am pissed off, I want to live. Life is far too short and second chances are hard to find.

I know the bits and pieces I am looking for. I know how to put myself together. It is all on me. I am responsible for my happiness, I am responsible for the weight I carry, I am responsible for the things I let in and the things that I allow to break me. It is my job to live and I have been  too lazy, too broken to move. I have felt sorry for myself but I act as though everything is ok. I am not fooling anybody, most of all myself.

I will sit by the ocean and there I hope to regain control of this beautiful life and the second chance it has given me. I will relax and have fun, I will let go and realize that I am, in fact, important. I will fight for me because in the end, I only have myself. I will find my spark and I will find myself and in that, I will find happiness once again.