I found her....

If you don't get lost, there's a chance you may never be found. 

~Author Unknown

Nothing could have prepared me for the discovery I made while on my trip to the ocean this past weekend. Nothing could have even hinted at the overwhelming amount of emotion I would leave with. I had no idea I was so lost.

 

As I touched down and took my first breaths of the incredible ocean air, I realized I was home. I was raised on the prairies, visited the ocean a handful of times as a child, but the water is a part of me, it always has been. The ocean, in all her strength and beauty, is always changing, never the same  and I am in awe of that. The ocean is home to me – it fills me with life. The problem however is that my boys, my boyfriend and my family are also home to me. Spiritually, physically and emotionally I feel torn between two worlds and I don't know how to make them one.

 

I went in search of myself and I found the free spirit, the happy, strong, fit lovable woman who I am so proud of. She couldn't make the journey home with me however. She remains on a large piece of driftwood, watching the tides rise and fall. She has the wind in her hair, she breaths in the salty air and she is happy. She is not willing to leave this place of peace right now in order to come to my other home, where I am confused and a little bit broken but sustained by the love of my boys. It is a bit of a contradiction because I need her in order to finally become whole. She will be the last and final piece in my journey toward peace. Deep down, I know I will feel it in my bones when she finally arrives.

 

I have a lot of work to do to bring myself home. I have realized that others see beauty in me that I hide because I am to scared to show it. I realized that I do not put myself first. I realized I am driven by my fear and I want to be driven by passion. I want to conquer every ounce of hurt and pain that resides in my body, every speck of doubt and imperfection. I realized that I am a mother and that my love for my children  overwhelms me, leaving me floundering sometimes but without them, I am not whole. I am everybody but myself. I need to be one so I can be happy and peaceful no matter where I am  - on the prairies or by the ocean.

 

I am scared, I am afraid that my 2 worlds will not ever mesh entirely and I need them to in order to be whole. It is going to take an overwhelming amount of work  in order to become who I am. I fear the failure I know I will face, I fear the loss I know I will battle, I fear not getting back up and being lost forever. I know the path to self discovery is never ending. It will be something I do until my dying day. I know it will be tough, I know I will stumble, I know I will have to change. I am ok with that. The ocean changes – she is never the same yet she is always strong, beautiful and free.